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LEAVING YOUR CHILDREN SOMETHING TO LOVE BY: RULES FOR TALKING WITH KIDS ABOUT SEX
May 19, 2009
“Every time I sit down to talk about sex, to have ‘the talk,’ my son says, ‘Oh Dad, I know all that,” and walks way.”
FRUSTRATED FATHER
The reason the mother’s fingers were crossed is that she knew there were still years of sex education to go. She knew what the peer group exerts profound influence, and she feared for the welfare of her son in a world confused about sexuality. The rules for effective loving and sex education are really simple. Here is the list. Talk it over with your whole family and see if they don’t agree.
Rules of Family Sex Education
Never have a “sex talk.” Sitting down for a formal birds and bees lecture is bound to fail. Sex cannot be separated from life, so deal with any problems of life when they relate to sex. If you look, you will see the relationship everywhere. Phone calls, assertiveness, curfews, discipline, respect, differing treatment of the father, mother, brother or sister, TV programs, movies, and dozens of everyday events relate to sex. Sex mini-lessons should take place then, related to an issue everyone can actually experience.
There is no need to do all of the talking. Listen and you will hear. You will hear questions even if they are not put in question form. “Nobody around
here cares about me” is a sex question about self-esteem and acceptance, “I wish our family was taller” is a question about body-image. “Look at that chick” is a question about sexism. “He’s a fag” is a question about gender identity. Use of explicit sex words is always a question about what and how to have sex, about values and morals and social appropriateness, even about technique. Good sex education is much more listening than telling.
Sex and love education cannot be done “one way.” One obvious reason
sex education can be a difficult family problem is that the child or teenager
is “on the spot,” the student. In my teaching, I have found that I am most effective when I am learning and sharing, not telling. I’m not really sure there is any such thing as teaching if it means telling. Changing behavior and thinking always depends on interaction, on a two-way learning. Ask your children to teach you about their world. Remember, you were never their age! They live in their own time, and, as the poet Kahlil Gibran stated, we cannot visit there, not even in our dreams.
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